Breastfeeding and coming to terms with failure

This post is going to effect many people.

Breastfeeding is a huge debate in the parenting community. Everyone has their story and it is a journey for many and for me it left me with post natal depression and I feel finally ready to talk about it.

For every mum how you feed you child is always discussed in your pre baby clinic.

Some don't wish to breastfeed and some do, for me I said of course I wanted to, it was so important to me.

I attended the bf clinics, I bought the tops, the bras, the nipple cream and nursing pillows, I even had a bulk supply of nipple pads and Jaffa cakes for those late night feeds, I was completely ready wasn't I.?? I even harvested colostrum before she was born so I was ready with super special milk incase she was poorly.

Well I didn't expect this.

I had a super speedy birth ( that's not a good thing) after practicing hypnobirthing and calm births I was induced due to health complications and my body effectively did in 4 hours what most women do in 24. I went into shock.

Once she was finally in my arms, doing skin to skin, it was over and she was there and we we're bonding, she started rooting and I asked the midwife if she could feed, she said just wait a second. 

That's  when I realised something was wrong, she asked daddy to take the baby and within a few seconds alarm bells were ringing and I had a room full of people asking me questions and rushing me to theatre, my body retained my placenta and I was hemorrhaging. It is still hard to go into details but I didn't think I was coming out, I lost around 1.5litres of blood and ended up with a spinal block after giving birth. 

3 hours later I was back in the room and finally holding my baby waiting for tea and toast. Then they needed the room and I was moved to a ward ( I never got my toast ). The next few hours were a blur and finally when I could feel my legs again I asked the midwife, when does she feed? Well then she realised she shouted have you not fed her! I said no ones shown me. So she rushed in and started milking me and passing hubby syringes of milk to feed my starving baby. 

That was the wonderful start of what I can only describe as the hardest month of my life. The whole night I was milked and she was syringe fed and she never once latched into me. The next two days in hospital were spent with countless midwives trying to get her to latch, failing and then hand pumping me and I eventually went onto a electric pump and we gave top ups of formula as I wasn't making enough even when I was pumping every hour. Squeak that whole time was sipping out of cups because I couldn't give her a bottle as it would confuse her. I was bloody confused, no one told me this could happen.

Eventually they sent me home, pumping and cup feeding, with high blood pressure, bruised, sore, exhausted and anaemic. They said she will feed just be patient.

I tried to get her to latch but she just pulled away from me screaming, she didn't want to be near my skin let alone feed from me. What was wrong with me? So I pumped and I pumped, I had a midwife come over everyday to check my blood pressure as it was still high. They told me to bath with her, to sing to her to do skin to skin why wasn't it working. 

On day 5 of cup feeding I had the a midwife come and after taking my blood pressure she explained Primrose was starving and I was ill and I was going to be readmitted if she didn't start feeding. What was I doing why was I starving my baby cup feeding her so I decided to give her my milk and top ups in a bottle. For my health and hers.

I started looking into the best formula for the top ups! Huge huge mistake, formula is poison, formula is not good for your baby, formula makes your baby stupid and fat. Why are mums telling other mums this? Isn't it hard enough without this fear of formula. How can I give this stuff to my child when it's so bad?

I asked the midwife the next day if I could go to a support group or clinic she explained they had closed down. So where do I get help?

So I sought help online and found the local breastfeeding group the same as these other groups, I couldn't possibly go giving my baby top ups, I'd be judged, they all said breast it was natural, I felt ashamed to get help from the judgy comments I read.

So I just pumped, and pumped and pumped, I didn't sleep when the baby slept I pumped. I pumped so much my nipples blistered, I got blocked and I pumped while crying in pain while massaging blocked ducts, I sat with heat pads on my breasts, pumping and massaging. Where was the sleepy night time dreamy feeds, where we're my Jaffa cakes.  All I had was my husband feeding her while I tried to sleep as I'd need to be up pumping again in an hour where was this bonding time?

After three weeks and very little support ( most of it came from Instagram) the husband had to go back to work, he works away from home and has to stay away most weeks. How could I manage to pump and eat and sleep and look after this newborn. I tried and when we were then hit with colic and silent reflux. Our world was turned upside down and with the added screaming for most of the day I decided to put away my pump and dry my milk up.

I was in tears drinking peppermint tea with cabbage leaves down my bra. I'd had diagnoses of nipple aversion, tongue tie and reflux preventing feeding. I'd had countless professionals come and try and latch her, I'd tried different holds and positions. I'd researched and beat myself up and made myself miserable.

I had failed my baby and I couldn't even do the simple natural thing of feeding her.

The next 8 months have honestly been one of misery when it comes to feeding my baby. I will never let anyone tell me formula is the easy option, sometimes it's the only option for babies health and for mummy.

Every time I get out that bottle and mix that powder I feel disappointment. Every time I see a woman feed her child I feel a wave of jealousy, every tree of life and breastfeeding picture online feels like a knife in my womb. How it's crazy that every time I drive past a lamb feeding from its mother I wonder what was wrong with me and  I still can't get over how much it hurts. I would do anything to have had cluster feeding and cracked nipples.

I've had to leave online 'support' groups  because women have made me feel like a bad Mum for feeding formula, I have been embarrassed in the shop when the assistant told me that the milk I spend a fortune on every month doesn't earn points because the government recommends breastfeeding, what I would like to know is why the government who recommends breastfeeding closes services because a lack of funding. I've even been told that breastfeeding is hard work you just have to commit. I can tell these judgemental shits I was completely committed I just wasn't prepared mentally or physically for a baby who would not put her lips around my nipple. 

Finally yesterday I sought counselling for this, I can't go in feeling this pain and loss over something that was so important to me. The HV sat me down and listened to my story and explained.

Feeding is like imprinting and if Squeak had fed from me when she first was placed on my chest I probably wouldn't have had these problems but the staff at the hospital had to save my life. In the grand scheme of things my life is more important than breastfeeding.

When I went to the ward if I'd been provided more support and better instruction it could have been different but services are lacking the staff are stretched.

I'd lost a great deal of blood and this makes it extremely hard for my body to produce milk I couldn't have made enough for her.

The area I lived in unfortunately is an area that has a lot of women who don't wish to breastfeed and support therefore isn't often a priority as it's not often needed.

Finally as Squeak turns 9 months old someone has told me is wasn't my fault and I'm starting to come to terms with my guilt and shame.

I feel very vulnerable putting myself out there admiting my weakness and depression  but if this blog can help another mummy come to terms with the loss they felt from stopping feeding I hope that it can.

We are doing the best we can. This is my journey and it's important to me to share the pain I felt and be honest how it made me feel.

If you decide to bottle feed from the start.

If you try and they don't latch, or it's painful or you don't like doing it in public

If you have to stop when you return to work

If you feed until they are toddlers

It's up to you and no one should ever make anyone feel like a bad mother or guilty for how you feed your child. 

Sometimes people need to realise it's not as easy as breast or bottle and it's definitely not the most natural thing in the world. 

So looking at this blog and the guilt and the shame, the disappointment and the sadness I wonder why I wasted so much of squeaks early days depressed because all I did was the best I could. I realise now I did try hard enough and I now have a baby who's growing well, has a wonderful appetite, is healthy and loved more than anything.