Self love and honesty. Life with pnd.

What happens when you get set a challenge on what you love about yourself and you can't think of a single thing.

I sat and I wracked my brain, I couldn't think of anything, I can barely look in the mirror, my hairs still falling out, my acne is awful, I am uncomfortable in my own body. 

So I thought about my personality and started putting myself down again. 

What is wrong with me, surely I have something I like about myself. But I don't.

It's time to stop suffering in silence, it's time to face the facts, that nearly a year on, I'm not feeling any love, I have ptsd, anxiety and yes the dreaded shame to be spoken about Post natal depression.

Like any woman falling pregnant your full of excitement, elation and uncertainty. But what happens when things go wrong? How do you cope? What happens when your experience of motherhood is a challenge and traumatic. So what happens when you get Gestational Diabetes and your pregnancy turns into a time of worry and pain, what happens when your calm labour plans turn to induction and unnatural methods, what happens when you hemmorage and end up in life saving surgery, what happens when your plans to naturally feed you child end in you feeling a failure and disappointment and what happens when that perfect little baby gets colic and reflux?

Do you smile, share pictures of these perfect little captions. Say I am fine.

Do you cry everyday for the first 12 weeks but not in public ( ok well maybe twice) 

Do you try to talk to friends and family but feel silly or like your being dramatic. 

Do you look at your child and think they deserve better, that you love them so much that suddenly you panic about something happening to them and the cycle begins and the anxiety takes over.

Do you have times when your happy and then suddenly you feel sad, you don't know why, you feel ungrateful and unworthy of this life because your not enjoying it.

How can it be post natal depression, I love  my baby more than anything else, I just don't like myself. I love being a mother, how can something that feels so natural feel so alien all at the same time.

How can I feel like I'm standing on the outside of my life observing my mistakes and flaws. 

Because of my training pre baby I recognise that I am in a pattern, I am having highs and lows, I am self destructive, I am hurting and I can't suffer in silence anymore.

I am not ok. I need help and I need suppport because I am not just going to get better.

I visited my GP and had a very open conversation about my loss of identity, my self loathing, my mood and the Impact it's having on my relationships. 

I am being referred for cognitive behavioural therapy and hope that I start feeling myself again soon.

For now I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has who has shown support and apologise to anyone who this has impacted. I am hoping that this is the beginning of the next chapter of motherhood and one I will enjoy for a lifetime.